She stared all around, at the door then the floor
then cradled her belly so
it was warm this big form ,
a quick glance at the door and fumbling hastily
for that hidden packet of cigarettes so
but as she fingered and twirled, the thing of freezing temperatures,
social changes and smoke that billowed and poured.
that feeling of peace, the knowing threat of disease
she blinked cravings strong and raw.
And like a fly drowning in slaw,
her hair made the decision NO more!
you promised you wouldn’t , you promised you’d used your head
you promised you wouldn’t join those damned and those dead.
her muscles twitched with memory
and so did her swollen belly, her arm still in a cradling stance
her eyes with salt water did fill, peering into the ashtray unfilled
trying not to curse the unborn.
she breathed deep and did sigh
her knees on the floor , her head to sky
as the ashtray set it’s self a small blaze
in a cruel taunt and a mocking flame and no cigarette to tame
she draped herself across the sofa all limp
and thought about all the rumours and hiding from the shame.
when… you smoke… does the smoke go into your head? a curious child had once said and it had made her laugh for it was beautiful and simple while technically true. In a way she had said her face flushing a light red the child leaving her as it bounded away too play.
she bit her lip deeply but no blood was drawn, her lips were pale and way fuller than the norm. Don’t worry all natural, no skin was cut or features modified in any way she would not have it, not her thing that at all.
the salt water had bitterly flowed down her cheeks to the end of her nose and she wiped them away she would not unravel or fold.
she poked her finger in the tray and remember the old ways of puffing and chatting and more
suddenly she felt a tightening round her neck , her head then her breasts and struggled to breath just like before, had she been smoking this whole time? and didn’t realise her crime? she began to panic dropping the packet and kicked out at the thought.
she couldn’t see at all what was happening? who else was in the brawl?
she tried to slow her breathing down to feel her way out of the soft darkness closing in she groped too feel for something familiar as she couldn’t even feel the ground.
she was flung into a window pane which gained her fiancé’s attention on the lawn. the small party held its breath as he loudly swore and muttered not this again as someone enquired what the hell is going on? some one else gave a sharp gasp then the murmuring started as he away from them did briskly walk.
she had found what he had he had hidden and she knew it had been fobbiden but he understood her plight and fears, the door was hard to push open his shoulder bruised and possibly broken but he got inside somehow in the end.
the room was bursting with the same soft substance and he waded through searching; concerned a little embarrassed but prominently in was despair for both their welfares. her face he wanted to caress and see again. and free her from both craving and her strange sentient hair…
he found her eventually paler than usual upside down twisted up in a sort of … bow he had grabbed a pair of scissors on his way in and now he began cutting it slowly and gently a far cry from the previous hacking and ripping.
She dropped to the floor, hours had gone and her shaking body he hugged with relief.
why didn’t you come and talk to me he asked you were busy she murmured I just needed to get away from all this… the party… it’s the cravings isn’t it? he looked at her not with hate but sternly
yes she said whispered shyly why does it judge me so harshly?
because it knows your better than this
but …but it was just a blip…
I’m personally a little upset honey and it’s clear to it and me
there were 14 in that packet and you’ve clearly had about…
I DIDN’T I DIDN’T! I… I… just held it … it brought me comfort and stillness am I not allowed to reminisce or enjoy distant memories?
That’s not the problem… it says on the packet don’t smoke and dance
I won’t lie and say I understand the stress of what your going through, two turning into four or with luck three.
He squeezed her hand and held her face but when I watched you as you stopped dancing outside and ran in here to cry.
I knew the memories are not of me.